-Why Bother...-
this week has been rather stressful on me.. me trying to settle problems with myself.. sleeping late at night cause was rushing to finish the half blood prince (yes, i have finished it) cuz my sisters are like bugging me for it, then me trying to cope with my time spent playing dota.. and prob the biggest 1 of all: scouts. i really cant take much more. i work so hard in sec 1 and 2. im not fucking bullshitting. i put in almost all the effort that i could put in. i was at prob every single gathering which they had organised. i was always voluteering for camps. but all for what? why.. i dont get it. where did i screw up? why cant i have spl? karjun apparently has a secured spot as spl. shih hoong is tl. if it comes down to me and trent, i have to say he is going to get it. i mean look at him. 331, top class. best fitness, very entushiastic scout. then even has a chance for exco. look at me. 323. 9th class in the level. so what if i had best sec 1 and best skills. its not helping me. i still dont get the spl. and i still dont understand. why.. why things turned out this way.. how could it have.. i put in so much effort.. and i see the position i want being taken away.. and i dunno, i just feel bloody confused and unapreciated. so much effort, so little reward. so i am probably going to get sec 3 trainer. ok, so that is good. but how? i would just be pl.. so much for me, thinking that this year was the year where traditions would be brkoen. and traditions were broken. but somehow not for me. and i still dont understand what is going on with my life. so much for recongnition. im just some 1 who knows a lot. thats it. no leadership. well, some may say that there can be last minute changes, but what chance is there for that?
and i cant keep my anger inside me for much longer. im ready to lash out already. my mum isnt quite helping. im damn pissed. i wonder what i would be like if i just lost it. just lost all self control. and just go berserk. wow, wonder what people would think of me then. who knows, i might just be what they always thought i was. im still holding on, with that last bit of strength in me. but i am ready to burst.
~~why do i am i always creating these kind of meaningless entries?~~
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